My Life My Adventure #anjay

Amidst the chaos of the plague, which stroke the whole world, I happened to gratefully receive several unexpected blessings. Some are mundane, but some are reaching my soul with their absurd way of coming. And I promise to keep being thankful for everything that is approaching.

In early 2020, I saw me crying myself to sleep, I let things go, and I tried so hard to be happy while I didn't know why my tears were shedded, while I couldn't understand why I had to let things that were not mine go, and while my happiness was defined in the most pathetic way. Relentlessly dwell on my grotesque mind, I started to question on how to face this shitty world, and as you know, there's no such thing as 'the best answer' for that, so then I tried something that I've been doing daily but not hearty: praying. 

Honestly, I think it is understandable to be unstable in doing something for the first time both financially, mentally, and even physically. Living a life is not an exception. Because no one had ever lived this life before. Even if you are a firm believer of reincarnation, I guess you don't remember how you live your past life, or... do you?

I quote that phrase from a Korean Drama called Because This Is My First Life (go watch it, you'll love it!!). I even started to think that the answer from my prayers is to watch that very K-Drama 😂. The drama is quite fun and relaxing, but somehow the life lessons are slipping to my heart and becoming my magic spell. Since then, I know that nobody has ever lived a life before, so nobody can tell other people on how to live a life in a right way because everyone is different, people are different. Based on my own interpretation, the only thing that makes them same is responsibility.

"Everything happened for reasons and every choice will come up with consequences"

I call that phrase as the first law of responsibility. People can do whatever they want, agreed. Nobody knows whether it is a right thing to do because this world is not only black or white, a or b, also agreed. But, what I know is whatever we do, it will come up with its side effects in the future. Supposedly take a note on choices that we made so that when we experience something good or bad, we can look back and trace what thing that we did in the past. If we think the experience is good, we can keep doing the things we did in the past, but if it's not, then we could've evaluated ourselves, take some step back and learn about where and why things started heading to the south.

Evaluating myself is a healing process for me (ciaelah,,, healing ceunahh). I stop comparing myself with other people in terms of achievements, but I keep competing with my old self instead. I'm no longer questioning about when will I be happy because I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, so I have to make it happen. When? It is up to me and I choose "now" as the answer. 

Some conditions make us hurt, it is true. We might feel angry, sad, and those bad emotions, but for me, there is the second law of responsibility: "nothing lasts forever" and so is my current condition. If my current condition is bad, it is my responsibility to turn it 180 degree. Even if I have to work 15 hours a day, even if I have to swallow my pride for doing such a shameful thing. It is my responsibility. It also applies if everything is as good as I wish, and I feel like I couldn't be happier. Not to turn it 180 degrees, but to maintain the joy. It is my responsibility. How if everything is still going bad? Well, go to the zero law: "nobody has lived this life before". We might create a "wrong" decision at the moment, but once the moment is gone, it is no longer a 'wrong' decision, it will become a lesson or a joke for our future-selves. As the proverb said: Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

"After all, a human being cannot be trained for these situations, he/she must be born for them"

That is said in Salt To The Sea by Ruta Sepetys. I like that saying (and the book! Please read it!!) because I somehow understand that the burdens that we carry, the responsibilities that we live up to, are never choosing a wrong shoulder. And so is the blessing, it will eventually choose the right ones. Cheer up! ^_^

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